My Life of Anxiety & How Antidepressants Saved Me

For a long while now, psych drugs including antidepressants have been thought to work by regulating neurotransmitter deficiencies in the brain. However, this is still a theory. No matter what a doctor tells you, the medical profession still has no idea how these drugs work. Of course, there are countless studies but they do contradict sometimes. Some say antidepressants are beneficial and others show it is no different than a sugar pill. 

I’m good at hiding things. Especially my anxiety. People usually think I’m socially awkward but they don’t understand that deep down I’m analyzing everything I’m doing to make sure I’m “appeasable” to other people and don’t offend or hurt them. I’m scared that every word that comes out of my mouth has to be perfect. I reached a point in my life where my anxiety had gotten so severe that the only option was to go on medication. I had suffered with long-term anxiety and bouts of bad depression, but I was always able to (sort of) manage it. I was used to waking up in the morning before high school with a bad stomach ache and cramps- just another day with anxiety and another day where my body couldn’t control its stress levels. And then one day, when my parents told me they’d be leaving the country and I’d be all alone, this triggered something scary in me. All of a sudden I’d be in class, or on the bus, and feel like I could barely breathe. I’d try tapping my foot to distract myself or take small sips of water, but the breathless, lightheaded feeling would stay. If I was in class I’d have to leave to get some air. On the bus to university, sometimes I’d have to get off before we were even at school. Each and every day was a challenge, and I had almost no help or support besides my family. I didn’t know what was happening to me. But then one day it hit me- I realized I was having panic attacks. Oftentimes, I missed months of classes for a single class as the stress and anxiety of trying to keep up while going through this was too much. 

Things got even worse when I found out I had iron deficiency anemia and couldn’t study (or do anything for that matter) without falling asleep. I had cold hands, cold feet, my hair was falling out, and my lack of energy was seriously disturbing. I think it got progressively worse for about a year until I got a blood test and finally got some help for it. [Later on, I realized there might be a correlation between panic attacks and iron deficiency. Once I started on high strength iron pills and began to eat steak, the panic attacks also subsided (fast forward a year or two)].

I decided I needed to seek help and was prescribed a benzodiazepine called Klonopin. It is basically a tranquilizer and usually used for people with seizures and panic attacks. That stuff worked pretty well, however I was still having panic attacks… so maybe it didn’t work that great. Since antidepressants are used more long-term and klonopin is usually used for short-term bouts of panic attacks, my doctor and I decided that I should be put on an antidepressant as well (so I could wean off the klonopin). 

The first antidepressant/ SSRI I tried was Paxil. My doctor put me on it because my mum takes it, and unsurprisingly, depression/anxiety runs in my family. If my mum and I share the same genes it should work for me too right? WRONG! That stuff was literally the devil. I got nearly every side effect listed and became a crying, panicky mess. It literally kicked in the first few minutes I took it. I felt absolutely amazing for the first few hours. I felt like I could do anything- the world was my oyster. A surge of happiness and excitement came over me. Then it became bad. I started feeling crazy and emotional- all these emotions at once.  My boyfriend at the time came over only to find me on the bed crying hysterically. Unsurprisingly, not long after that we broke up. I guess it makes sense- who wants a girlfriend who can’t leave the house and cries all the time? Anyways, I only lasted about 3-4 days on that drug before I realized it wasn’t going to get better (as they tell you). After that experience I decided I was NOT going to go on an antidepressant because I wasn’t the “drug type”. Lol. So I stayed on Klonopin and long story short, decided I couldn’t live alone without my parents, so I moved with them to Australia and decided to drop out of school for a year. 

In Australia, I was still having panic attacks. The benzodiazepine that was supposedly supposed to help my panic attacks, wasn’t doing anything. I couldn’t leave the house. My mum would try and take me to the grocery store just to get me out of the house, but after 5 minutes or so of feeling like I couldn’t breathe, I’d run out of the store crying. Life was horrible. I didn’t know if I’d ever return to Canada alone to finish my degree or if I’d eternally be confined to my bedroom like an invalid, incapable of leaving the house, getting a job, meeting new people, or doing anything at all besides watching Netflix all day and seeing my psychologist once a week. All my psychologist could do was recommend breathing exercises and mindfulness- which was a load of bull for someone who felt like the panic attacks were PHYSICAL and not mental. I felt like my body had control over me- my nervous system took over and my brain couldn’t do anything to help it except “breathe” and “embrace the sensations” which was torture. 

Finally, I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim anymore. I was GOING to finish my degree. I was going to go back to Canada…. alone. I decided to try another antidepressant. This time it was Lexapro, also known as escitalopram. It looked like it had the least side effects and only affected one neurotransmitter- serotonin. Paxil, the one I had taken before, had effected a bunch of neurotransmitters including norepinephrine and dopamine, so it was sloppier. If my problem was serotonin, I wanted to be on the least invasive treatment as possible. I was put on the generic form, which literally did nothing for me for 3 months. I then decided to try the name brand Lexapro, which within the first few days, kicked in and I could actually feel a difference. For the first time ever, I felt calmer, more relaxed, and my panic attacks subsided. It is now 2019 and I am still on Lexapro. I was able to move back to Canada, finish my degree, and come back to Australia. I had accomplished what I set out to do!

Being on an antidepressant saved my life and has honestly been a miracle for me. I don’t know how it worked but it worked for me, and for that I am grateful to God. I am no longer that girl who gets sick in the morning and is scared to start the day. I am no longer that girl who is scared to talk to strangers or talk to the checkout lady at the grocery store. I am more comfortable in my skin. I was able to finally build the courage to go on job interviews (I even did a 3 hour group interview and got the job!!) and get a job. I am beyond proud of myself… and reflecting on it as I write this, I don’t think it was ever easy to be proud of myself when I was an anxiety-ridden mess. Throughout this whole challenge, I’ve learnt a lot about myself- that I’m stronger than I think, and to trust my intuition. When I was cold all the time and my hair was falling out, a little voice inside me said “you might have iron deficiency”.. so I went to the doctor, and sure enough, it was iron deficiency. I also learnt that it’s ok to ask for help, and when you are in dire straits, people are kind and help you. Unexpected people like professors and other family members and friends around me offered help and I just couldn’t believe the outpouring of support for me. This love and support, coupled with a good drug, combined allowing me to graduate and move on with my life.

So, for anyone who is contemplating going on psych meds I say- if it is your last and only option- please go on it. The right drug could save your life! I also want to stress the importance of a good psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist. I didn’t really have a good one, but I’m looking for one now and I think the right behavioural therapy can really help! 

My life hasn’t been easy, but I’m growing and want to use my experiences to help others and turn something negative into a positive. This is why I want to be a psychologist. And I think, having lived experiences, I am empathetic and understanding of what others are going through. I think that any bad experience can be turned for the good. And so whoever is reading this, please just know there is always hope and help for you.

Thank you for reading and take care of yourself!



8 Ways to Slow Down

8 Ways to Slow Down

The Italians have got many things right- they’ve perfected the art of food, they are known for their art, their culture and there is even the phrase Italian lover for a reason. One thing that most Italians know how to do well is the phrase “La dolce far niente”– translated as “the art of doing nothing.” Europe just knows how to do it. In many countries in Europe, people sit on patios drinking espresso or have a nice glass of wine in the middle of the day. Yes, the middle of the day. Why is this not common in North America?! Well, for one I guess it’s the shitty weather. But seriously, I think if everyone took a little siesta break offices would be more productive and the world would be a better place.

In such a busy and chaotic world like this one, it’s important to take time to slow down. With our computers constantly on, the buzz of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and the whirlwind of looking your best, making lots of money, learning more, being better than others, and getting better grades– life can be a constant busy struggle for some. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and even trigger mental illness! La Dolce far niente is the opposite of all this. It’s about unplugging, slowing down, and taking in the experience of life (smelling the roses!). I’m not sure about you- but the more I look at apps like Facebook and Instagram, I want to have more, more and more– it’s neverending! More money, more success, more beauty (those IG models, though! WTF am I right?) The world isn’t supposed to be like this! Life definitely has more to offer. So I suggest- unplugging and plug yourself into some of these meditative, relaxing life experiences instead of going on your computer.

Is it just me- or after wasting so much time looking at other people’s lives on Instagram or Facebook, you start to feel a little bit shitty about your life. That isn’t good. That feeling is not a feeling we should be experiencing. We should compete with ourselves and only ourselves for “living my best life“, a popular Instagram hashtag. Such bullshit. Honestly- I’m sick of people posting that! Because no one knows what’s going on behind a photo! We need to stop deceiving ourselves into thinking this culture of competitiveness and more more more is a good thing!

Most people have heard that studies show the benefits of yoga and meditation- activities that get you to slow down and relax. I think practising dolce far niente can be incorporated into our everyday activities. Another word that could mean the same (which is common here in the West) is practising mindfulness. 

If you want to have a little dolce far niente in your life, consider adding a few of these 10 activities into your life:

1. Go for a mindful Walk: 

No, not just any walk. It has to be one where you stop and smell the roses. Walk slowly, take in everything and listen to the birds, and all the sounds around you. A mindful walk in a forest or along the beach in bare feet will do you good.

2. Get coffee mindfully

Go to a cafe and order your favourite drink. Read a book or simply observe others around you. Enjoy the moment. Try not to go on your phone and distract yourself. Enjoy taking time out for yourself!

3. Go swimming

Studies have shown swimming is good for anxiety. The repetitive movements are calming and give you time to think (or not think) while you’re getting some cardio in. The controlled breathing and repetitive strokes make swimming a mindful and healthy activity.

4. Take a hike

Hiking is one of those activities which enables you to get out in nature and exercise at the same time. The Japanese have a word for walking in the forest translated as “Forest bathing”- studies have actually shown that going for walks in the forest is good for your overall physical & mental health!

5. Take a nap

La Dolce far niente isn’t always about doing something! Sometimes, it’s about doing less. Life can be overwhelming and stressful- sometimes you just need to take a nap. I think it’s important to know that its okay if you need to rest during the day. Our  culture here in the West is always about go go go, but that can be taxing on the body! Listen to your body- if it’s the weekend and you need a break- don’t feel bad about slowing down.

6. Stretch

Stretching increases flexibility, promotes blood flow, and improves posture. It is also extremely relaxing. Consider incorporating a few morning and evening stretches into your routine- you’ll notice it makes your mornings and evenings a little more relaxing and comfortable.

7. Listen to music

When’s the last time you sat on your bed, put your headphones on, and just listened to music? Music is very therapeutic, and studies have shown this as well! You could even go outside & get some sun while you’re at it.

8. Get some sun

Many people who live in the Western hemisphere are severely deficient in vitamin D. Vitamin D is so important for bone health, immune system support, brain health, cardiovascular health, and more!! The sun has been demonized as a cause of skin cancer, however, too little sun is not good for you either. Vitamin D activates important enzymes and is important for many chemical reactions in your body! Sitting in the sun for an hour or so (not too long!- too much sun is also dangerous) can make you feel great. I suggest incorporating this into your day whenever you can.

So, hopefully I’ve convinced you to slow down a bit!

Thank you for reading, and as always, love yourselves 🙂

-The Wild Psychologist

Breathe- it’s good for you

Breathe- it’s good for you

Um.. okay. Right now you’re thinking “I already am breathing- that’s how I’m staying alive, dumb dumb.” Ok, I get it. We’re all breathing. However, I just found a study that emphasizes what we all already knew was good for us- the importance of breathing.

So what’s the deal then? Well, in this study breathing was found to modulate brain activity and mental function! What exactly does that mean? Well basically, according to this article by the Guardian, “The rhythm of breathing co-ordinates electrical activity across a network of brain regions associated with smell, memory, and emotions, and can enhance their functioning, according to a new study by researchers at Northwestern University. ”

Interestingly enough, breathing controls emotional recognition and memory recall, and this effect is seen more accurately during breathing IN than breathing out. Oh, and the “mode of delivery” is also important here- breathing through the nose showed these effects whereas when the participants in the study breathed through their mouths, their performance on both tasks declined markedly. So what does this tell us? Well, breathing is unconsciously controlled by the brainstem (the good ‘ol brain stem), and our breathing changes in response to emotional stimuli and mental effort, this suggests that our thought processes affect our breathing rate (which, we all knew anyways- I mean, who doesn’t notice the quickening of breath when we are mad or scared?).

This study is so important because it suggests that breathing can impact how well our brains work and our mental function. If breathing has some kind of effect on brain activity, it would make sense that by breathing fast when you’re scared or in a highly dangerous fight-for-your-life situation, this can optimise information processing in the brain so you can think and act appropriately and quickly. Put simply, breathing fast= more air. More air= a better working brain. This makes me think of running; when you run, you breathe faster so your muscles get more oxygen to meet the increased energy needs. This makes intuitive sense that the same would apply to your brain- a more strenuous task or situation (such as fight-or-flight) would require more oxygen to work better. As the article states, “When you breathe in… you are stimulating neurons in the olfactory cortex, amygdala and hippocampus,” says Zelano. “In a panic state, your breathing rhythm becomes faster [and] as a result you’ll spend proportionally more time inhaling,” [This] could have a positive impact on brain function and result in faster response times to dangerous stimuli in the environment.”

Anyways, what I got from this was 1) Breathe through your nose damn it! and 2) breathe- it will keep you alive girlfriend.

Link to original study:

Zelano, C., et al. (2016). Nasal Respiration Entrains Human Limbic Oscillations and Modulates Cognitive Function. J. Neurosci., 6: 12448 –12467 [Abstract]